Blankets
by BGlanders
Summary: A Nobuyuki story


"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."  
  
-J.D. Salinger  
  
***  
  
BGlanders presents…  
  
Blankets  
  
***  
  
Another night, just like any other. I can hear the sounds of the house from outside my door; soft, muted voices casually talking, drifting through the house and filling every corner. The sound flows through the cracks in the floor, trickles on the breeze that drifts through the house from room to room. The soft, almost chilly kind of breeze that only blows at night. I should probably get another blanket out of the hall closet, but if I get up I fear the current of voices will cease, and the house will fall quiet again. I suppose it's not so cold that I'll freeze, and I can always get another blanket later. For now I think I'd like to lie here and listen. For now I just want to sink into that sound and quietly drift away.  
  
They were surprised to see me tonight. They thought I had to work late again, so they forgot to set a plate for me at dinner. Sasami apologized and made the ladies scoot over, but I politely declined. The poor thing looked like she was going to cry, so I asked her if I could just take a plate to my room. I told them I had a project to work on, and that I would be working on it all night. I told them I was sorry.  
  
Actually I just finished a project, a major one in fact. I've spent the last ten days working nearly non-stop on a new shopping complex for downtown, pausing only to sleep and eat. I have a little loft apartment that's half a block from the office, but most times I just fall asleep at my table. For ten nights I slept at my table, and now my back is killing me. My secretary forced me to go home every two or three days. "Go get some sleep," she said, or, "go home and take a break." Break? I can't take a break, I don't have time for breaks. The client doesn't have time for breaks, therefore neither do I. I went back to the apartment to shower, and then I would sneak right back into the office and work for four or five more hours before passing out. The deadline doesn't take a break. The public doesn't take a break. If I take a break, then my clients only see a slacker. They don't see professionalism. I can't take a break, so I just keep working.  
  
Now I'm home. I finished the project two days ahead of schedule. The clients always love it when you finish ahead of time. Normally I project our finish date two or three days past when we would be done just to make the firm look good. That policy makes us one of the top architectural firms in the country, and the top dog never gets a break. Gotta keep pushing that envelope, gotta keep that dog from slipping. If I fall, I lose the bone, and then I have nothing. My family has nothing.  
  
There was a time when I would try to finish my work as fast as I could so I could get home to my family. There was a time when all I could dream of was my family, and the future before us was what fired that dream. My wife, my son… for them I worked like a fiend. For them I was willing to move mountains. There was nothing that I wouldn't do, nothing I couldn't do. When I came through with the impossible her eyes would shine so bright, so happily. She knew why I would push myself, and she was always supportive of my efforts.  
  
Sorry hon, I've got to work late. I'll be home soon, just wrap up my dinner and put it in the microwave.  
  
Sorry honey, the deadline is tomorrow, so I've got to stay overnight. We'll do something this weekend though, I promise.  
  
I know what I said, but if I don't get this done this week, we'll lose our account. I promise you we'll take that vacation as soon as I finish this job.  
  
I love you. I'll see you tonight.  
  
I love you honey. I won't be home until tomorrow.  
  
I love you. I'll be home as soon as I can.  
  
We had so much time… I had so much time. We could get by, we both knew we could. We were young, and these were our working years. I wanted her to have everything I could give her. I wanted her to be comfortable. I wanted our family to be raised in a nice home, and to have nice things. I wanted things to be perfect.  
  
I didn't even notice she was sick until I came home and found her passed out on the kitchen floor.  
  
I took three months off. Work didn't mind, in fact they encouraged it. "Go home! Take a break! Don't let yourself get burned out…and make sure you come back to us real soon!" They let me have my vacation time so I could care for my ailing wife.  
  
Suddenly I was able to spend time with her again, in fact I saw her constantly. I saw her clutch the banister for support when she would go down the stairs. I saw her cough so hard that blood would trickle down her chin. I saw her get smaller and smaller, and the whole time there was nothing I could do but hold her hand and tell her that everything would be okay. That's what you're supposed to do when there's nothing you can do. You say everything will be okay, and the other person believes you because they're in love with you and because you've always come through, you've never let them down. You say everything will be okay, therefore everything will be okay. It's as simple as that.  
  
And then the doctors tell you there's nothing more that they can do for her.  
  
And then you have to usher your son out of the room so you can say goodbye.  
  
And then you look down and see her tiny hand struggling to wrap around yours, and you hear her say she loves you.  
  
And then you hear her tell you everything will be okay.  
  
And then she closes her eyes, and you cry longer and harder than you've ever cried in your entire life.  
  
And then you have to look her father in the eye and tell him that his daughter has gone to sleep and won't be waking up.  
  
…  
  
…And then you sit down and tell your son the single most horrible thing he's ever heard in his entire life.  
  
When she died, I didn't know what do. Everything wasn't okay. Everything would never be okay. How could it be? She was gone, and we were alone. I couldn't understand it, in fact I refused to. I didn't want to. I wanted to hate someone. I wanted to take this whole mess and just stick it to one person and say, "you! You're the reason this happened! This is all your fault!" I wanted to just smash every single thing in the house and scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted an answer to a question that only a child should be asking, and I couldn't bring myself to answer no matter how many times I tried.  
  
Father thought I would turn to alcoholism, but surprisingly I really didn't drink all that much. Instead I just threw myself into my work like never before. Suddenly I was back from vacation and ready to hit the charts with a fury the office had never seen. "We thought you would be gone for three months," they would say. I told them I thought I would be gone for three months, too. I thought she would simply get better and then we would finally take a vacation together, just the three of us. I thought I would finally get to spend some time with my family.  
  
Instead, I spent five weeks refusing to believe my wife would die.  
  
Three-week projects would be finished in six days. A two-month contract was completed in five weeks. Our firm was quickly elevated to God status because one of their employees had discovered that projects could be finished in record time if he forewent sleeping and eating. Oh, not going home for weeks at a time also helped. I was a monster, a machine with a pencil in my hand. I worked until my fingers blistered and bled, until my eyes blurred shut. I worked until my shirt would turn a light shade of yellow, and my fingernails needed to be bitten off. I worked like a mad man.  
  
I worked for an entire year before I finally stopped to take a breath.  
  
I didn't really work for an entire year. Once in awhile I would sneak home to check on our son or to visit her grave. Sometimes my back protested enough for me to climb into our bed and try to ignore the empty space beside me. Sometimes my hunger drove me to sit at the dining room table with a bowl of cereal and wonder why the chair across from me was always empty. Sometimes…  
  
Sometimes I remembered why I felt like I hadn't spent enough time with her, and I just needed to get out of that goddamned office as fast as I could.  
  
Time passes, as time tends to do. The pain of her passing gradually lessened to a dull numbness, and our son eventually grew into the man he is today. I completed our house, and now we have many nice things. My family lives under a good roof and has more than enough to get by. We have everything I promised her we would have, and because of that I miss her more than ever.  
  
At least now our house isn't empty. When the girls fell to earth and into our lives, it was like our world had suddenly exploded. Suddenly our house was alive again with noise and activity, and people constantly scurrying about. Suddenly our son has become a man, and a prince to boot! I've heard the girls talking about their adventures, and how he has saved their lives time and again. I hear Sasami and Ryoko and Aeka all lament about their travels, and I hear the happiness in their voices. I hear all this, and sometimes it makes me cry even harder.  
  
I am happy for my son. He will never be lonely and will always have his friends… his family to keep him safe. He has an awful lot of responsibility coming his way, but I think he can handle it. He's always been stronger than me when it comes to things like that. He's got his mother's steel inside him, and that will stay with him for the rest of his life. He has a family now, and a huge one at that. He will never be lonely or left alone. He will never know what it's like to live in a quiet house and lie awake at night reminiscing about happier times. I am happy for my son, and because of that I cry.  
  
I cry because I know that he finally has what he's always wanted in life… what he's always needed. He has a family. He has people who will always be there and who will always love him, no matter what. He has people he can depend upon.  
  
I cry because these things, these simple, trivial things were too much for me to provide.  
  
I should have been there. I should have said to Hell with work and spent more time with her… with both of them. I should have taken more walks and seen more sunrises and done more cuddling and gotten more blankets out of the closet when we were cold. I should have piled so many on top of us that we would be forced to snuggle for the rest of our lives. I should have taken more picnics and played more catch and slept in more Sundays and…  
  
I should have been a husband.  
  
I should have been a goddamned father.  
  
…  
  
I came home early tonight. I didn't even think about the fact that everyone would be awake and home. I didn't think about how bright and noisy and how… comfortable everything would be. I walked in the door, got my plate of food, thanked Sasami and ran to my room as fast as I could. I couldn't face my son now that he has what I couldn't give him.  
  
I know he doesn't blame me. I know he doesn't have a resentful bone in his body. I know that right now he's happier than he has ever been in his entire life. I know that in a heartbeat he would let me join them… that all of them would let me join them. I know they see me, as well as each other, as family. I know this, but I still hide. I hide because somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice says I don't deserve a family. I let one slip away already, and I shouldn't be so greedy. It's just a stupid, tiny little voice… but sometimes I swear it can get so loud I could scream.  
  
Maybe someday I'll be strong enough to accept that things are the way they are, and that the past can't be changed. Maybe someday I'll finally let them love me without feeling guilty.  
  
The sounds downstairs continue to trickle throughout the house, washing over me as I lie under my sheets. Soon they'll get tired and go off to bed, one by one. Soon the soft murmurs will end, and our house will be quiet once again. Only then will I get up and fetch the extra blankets from the closet. Only when there are no more sounds left to hear.  
  
I wish you could have heard them, Achika.  
  
***  
  
For Sivus, and all the times he would be there with an encouraging word.  
  
***  
  
Hey, I'm hosting a national Anime convention this November! C-Kon 2002 will be held November 15th-17th at the Indianapolis Marriott East in Indianapolis, Indiana. For more, check out www.Ckon2002.com. Details are being posted as information pours in. It's gonna rock, folks.  
  
A special thank you to Kawaiikune, Rowsdower and Evil Asian Genius for looking this story over beforehand.  
  
Tenchi & Co. belong to AIC, TV Tokyo and Pioneer  
  
All C&C should head towards BGlanders@aol.com 


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